Tragedy strikes local living room in what officials are calling “completely preventable”

A local teen, identified as Casey Holloway, 17, was officially declared dead to productivity, social interaction and the concept of time Tuesday evening after spending four uninterrupted hours scrolling through streaming platforms without selecting a single title to watch.

Holloway, who sat down at approximately 7 p.m. with the expressed intention of “just finding something quick to put on,” was found unresponsive on the couch at 11 p.m., thumb still hovering over the play button.

“They had everything,” said one witness. “Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Max, Peacock, Prime Video and a free trial for something nobody has ever heard of. Thousands of options and still…”

Investigators report that Holloway had cycled through four different genres, abandoned two documentaries within the first 30 seconds, added 17 titles to a watchlist that will never be revisited and reread the same movie summaries six times without retaining any information.

At one point, sources say, Holloway selected a film, watched the opening scene and then quietly asked, “Wait, is there something better, though?”

There was not. There never is.

A brief rally was reported around the 9:30 p.m. mark, when Holloway nearly committed to a limited series before a family member mentioned they “heard it gets bad in season two.” Holloway immediately closed the app.

Streaming executives released a joint statement expressing condolences while simultaneously announcing the addition of 57 new titles this weekend.

Holloway was found next to a half-eaten bag of chips, a phone with 1% battery and a watchlist of 63 items described by family as “completely meaningless now.”

No services are planned. The family requests that, in lieu of flowers, people simply pick something and press play.