In the greatest feat of endurance Plano Senior High has seen, junior Simon Pochinka stuns his 2nd period APUSH class by eating five whole bananas in one sitting.

“They were organic, dull bananas pushing 11 inches,” Simon says. “However, I had no problem scarfing them down.”

While this behavior is typically reserved for monkeys, many, including Ilai Balders, continually insist that “he is a monkey.” This claim becomes increasingly valid after an entire class watched in awe as Simon devoured, swallowed, and choked down five of the largest bananas they had seen up to that point.

The 38-second time-lapse of the successful attempt quickly spread across campus. Junior Pratheek Anne, who watched the historic event time-lapse, said, “Sitting next to Ilai, I was already stimulated. Simon choking down those bananas, that sealed the deal.”

When asked about his motives and the potential harms from the massive influx of potassium, he said, “I do it for the love of the game.” Simon, getting excited about the thought of large bananas, said, “I ate those bananas, all five of them. It wasn’t about hunger; it was about sending a message.”

Rather than a snack, this success was a triumph over a trauma now overcome. Chowing down on the bananas, it became apparent his diet is a form of psychological warfare against his childhood rival.

“My love of bananas stemmed from overcoming my fear of banana spiders.” When asked where this fear came from, he snarkily replied, “a childhood incident” and refused to elaborate.

According to Junior, Umar Katime, who witnessed the event in person, said, “The best way to conquer one’s fear of banana spiders is to systematically destroy their natural habitat.” It seems Simon took this to heart.

To Ilai, the five bananas scarfed down in mere 38 seconds have him convinced of something greater. When asked to recall his experience, in a tone of awestruck remembrance, he replied, “I was minding my own business, taking care of business, and I heard a tantalizing smacking sound almost like free ASMR. As I turned, I was utterly flabbergasted by the image that presented itself to me. What I saw was not a man but a monkey in the form of Simon Pochinka.

When asked to comment on this, Simon replied, frankly, I believe that’s absurd. For one, I am, I mean I am not a monkey; two, I am the closest, I mean furthest thing from a monkey.”

With this comment raising even more suspicions among the 2nd period, one thing is still clear: Simon Pochinka has asserted himself as the undisputed greatest when it comes to eating bananas. Whether he’s a monkey or just a mere student, the 2nd period APUSH owes him a great debt for allowing them to witness a once-in-a-lifetime event they will forever remember.